DrollyJokes.com

Two 90 year olds

e-man — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:48:58 +0000

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,
“Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I
knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!”
And the woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I knew the old geezer could
actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”

John woke up one morning

e-man — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:48:58 +0000

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s
side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was
downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things
by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to ‘Bring
this note to your beautiful Mummy.’ The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to ‘Bring this to
your silly Daddy.’ The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to
take it back to ‘The lady in the kitchen’. The note read:

The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to ‘Take this to
the poor man upstairs’. The note read:

I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

Premature ejaculation

e-man — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:48:58 +0000

A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The
counselor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds ” My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires “Is that true?”
The husband replies “Well not exactly, it’s her that suffers not me.”

Embarrassed man

e-man — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:48:58 +0000

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, ‘I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up
for my wife anymore.’ ‘Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me
see what I can do.’ So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following
pad. The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, ‘Please remove your clothes,
Mrs. Thomas.’ The woman obliged and removed her clothing. ‘Okay, now turn all
the way around… Now, lie down please… Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put
your clothes back on.’ While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the
doctor took the husband aside. ‘You’re in perfect health,’ he said to the man.
‘Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.’

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle

e-man — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:48:58 +0000

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was
attracted to him, and during her questions about his life,
she asked him how he had sex. “Tarzan not know sex,” he
replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I
will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothes and lay down on the
ground. “Here,” she said. “You must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge
erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the
crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an
eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and
screamed, “What did you do that for?”

“Tarzan check for bees.”

Totally Titular

e-man — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:48:58 +0000

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the
mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too
small. Instead of characteristically telling her it’s not
so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every
day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your
breasts for a few seconds.” Willing to try anything, the
wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of
the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will
this take?” she asks. “They will grow larger over a period
of years,” he replies. The wife stops. “Do you really think
rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every
day will make my breasts larger over the years?” Without
missing a beat the husband says, “Worked for your butt,
didn’t it?”

Top Ten: Saddam Hussein’s Romantic Tips

e-man — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:48:58 +0000

10. Splash on a little goat’s blood.

9. Play romantic music to drown out the cries of tortured
dissidents.

8. Shampoo and condition your mustache.

7. Don’t be a cheapskate at the movies — buy the large
hummus!

6. Have a violinist brought over to your table and
executed.

5. Show sensitive side by releasing her family from prison.

4. “Say it with toxic nerve agents”

3. Sit on porch swing and watch twinkling United State
reconnaissance satellites.

2. Name a camel after her.

1. Ask if she wants to “inspect your biological weapon.”

An old man

e-man — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:48:58 +0000

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - “I
want to feel your breasts” he exclaimed.

“Get away from me, you crazy old man” she replied.

“I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars,” he says.

“Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!”

“I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS” he stated.

“NO! Get away from me!”

“TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS” he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, “I said
NO!”

“FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts,” he exclaimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough… and $500 IS a lot
of money… “Well, OK… but only for a minute.”

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he
slid his hands underneath and began to feel… then he started saying, “OH MY
GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD…” while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, “Why do you keep saying, ‘Oh my god, oh my
god’?”

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, “OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD…
OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?”

Terrible Headaches

e-man — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:48:58 +0000

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to
getting older. The first guy said “Women have all the luck when it comes to
getting older.”

“What do you mean?” asked the second guy.

“Well,” replied the first. “I can barely remember the last time I got aroused
in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!”

“Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered.

“Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get
these terrible headaches.” he answered. “Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a
headache in years.”

Not Bad

e-man — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:48:58 +0000

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the
ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity
he asks her what she is brewing.

“A magic potion” she replies.

“Well what is it for?” he asks.

“This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.”

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable
but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes
back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he
challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of
the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a
wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course
where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he
can talk to her.

“Well”, she asks, “How has your game been?”

“Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the
country and never lost a game.”

“And how about your sex life?”

“Oh, not bad.”

“Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy’s sex life. Say, how many times did
you have sex last year?”

“Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times.”

“And you call that not bad?”

“Not for a priest with a small parish.”